Friday, February 03, 2012

Countdown to Love: 12 Days

Are You Worth A Box of Chocolates? 
by BlackGirlsAreEasy
This Valentine's Day will you be Single & Basic? Single & Ratchet? Single & Sexy?  or Boo'd Up? 

If You're Single and Basic:
You complain about Valentine’s Day, hate on everyone in a relationship and post Basic ass status updates on Facebook like “I don’t know why girls get hype, I don’t need for it to be a holiday to get flowers from my man.” Bitch you don’t have a man, you have a nigga you talk to, and he doesn’t have any money to take you out so you’re stuck in the house watching Bad Girls Club and #subtweeting mean things to girls who are getting ready to go out on a date.

You go out to the club, see that it’s a gang of thirsty niggas on the dance floor trying to slide their hands down your tights, and get mad. You went to the club on Valentine’s Day. Do not go to the god damn club the weekend before V-Day or the day of unless you are prepared to be dry humped and molested. Don’t hate the dudes in the club, by walking in you’re telling them “Single and desperate”.

You hide behind your kid. “I don’t need a man; I have my little cupid right here”. That’s cool if you mean it, but don’t front like you’re beyond love because you have a child who gave you a cut out heart. If the nigga you’re feeling called you up (after taking his main chick out to eat) and said “can I slide through”, you would be quick to throw Junior in the car, take him to Grandma’s house for the night, and chuck the deuce until the morning.

Hating on the holiday is the most basic thing you can do, it shows that you are jealous and lonely as hell. If you don’t have someone this year, oh well. Also, February 14th isn’t the day to start looking for love because all you’re going to find is an unapologetic dick inside you.

If You’re Single & Ratchet:

You don’t realize that the guy you met on January 23rd has just pregamed your ass so he could get the Valentines ass. Girls have holidays in the back of their heads, so if a guy makes a move after Christmas, she’s already gearing up for what she can get from him come February. The pregame nigga is smarter than the ratchet because the he knows he can get away with a single rose and a small box of chocolate, and still nail that night.

Chocolate and a Teddy Bear are the equivalent of a diamond ring. Ratchets get open off the smallest shit, because they’re not use to getting. They will take to the internet and tell everyone how she got some “bomb ass roses and some fancy chocolate” hoe let me see you twitpic that sad ass rose and that CVS pharmacy brand chocolate if you’re bout it. If she’s a particularly sexy ratchet who you want to get the holy trinity (head, ass, cooch) from then go one step further and drop $80 on getting her nappy ass hair “did”. She will tweet “Oh my god, my boo just got my hair done for me, I’m so happy to have him in my life right now”. Really you rascally Ratchet? Did you just get open off some Milky Way and highlights?

Ratchets love the club. They don’t mind being Ben Roethlisberger’d on the dance floor because they know what it’s hitting for. Ratchets will pile their horny asses in that PT cruiser and hit the club bragging, “Girl I’m going to pull me a gang of niggas tonight” so classy. Fellas if you don’t have a girl, and don’t want to take anyone out to an overpriced dinner, go to the club—buy the first girl you see in cheap heels some Ciroc Berry, tell her how fancy she looks in that “designer” wet seal blouse and she will let you Rowdy Roddy Pipe her.

If You’re Single & Sexy:

You don’t hate. You may not embrace the festivities, but you see it for the corporate Holiday it is and accept it. Maybe you’re a romantic, but you don’t have to throw shade on anyone else, you chill with a glass of wine and watch the Notebook or some other gay movie where someone dies at the end.

You have game. You know niggas are tricks, and you have done your own pregame. That dude who keeps texting you asking to go out, now’s the time to get in those pockets and go down to that Seafood restaurant you’ve read about. At the end of the night you take your dessert in a box, kiss him on the cheek, and thank him for being your valentine. Holla next year son.

Single sexies know other single sexies so make it a girl’s night out, instead of the club, hit a lounge or a nice restaurant where the bar is popping. Free drinks all night, and who knows you may meet someone on your level. Beats hanging in a sweat box club.

If You’re Boo’d Up:

Than this is your day. If you've been with someone for a minute it’s not about getting shit out of him, it’s about recognizing what you have. If he loves you then he’ll give you something from the heart, be it an engagement ring or a home cooked meal, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s with love.

D'Mor J: "No Style, No Fashion. It's that simple."

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